that awkward moment when...

I've had several awakenings lately that have shook me a bit, this is the resulting brain dump.


I realize that my relationship with my father is a bit different now, and may always be, due to my pregnancy/becoming a mother.  There is a great line from the great, short lived show "My So Called Life" where Angela muses that her relationship with her father has changed, that something has gotten in the way.  "My dad and I used to be pretty tight. The sad truth is, my breasts have come between us."  My baby bump has come between us.  Like maybe that makes me more of a woman in his eyes. Either way, our conversations have been short, sweet and sports related lately. No anatomical updates for him.

I've realized a friendship I care greatly about is changed forever.  What I loved most about it, has passed and realistically, I'll probably never get that back from it, due to my inability to be a good friend.  In the past I would have just chalked up the whole thing as over and moved on, but this time around I hope I can adjust and just take value from what the relationship becomes and work at being a better friend.

Work will be different.  I'm going down to part time upon my return and instead of splitting up my job into two positions, I'll be job sharing.  I'll act as the senior lead in the role, but it will be a major transition. Luckily, the transition starts now and will be gradual so hopefully it'll be fine.

This has truly been a magical time between D$ and myself.  I'm not sure we've ever been happier.  I fear this honeymoon period will come to an end soon.  I try to be in the present and soak up the good times now and not worry about the future, easier said than done!

23 weeks

My arms are looking a bit flabby.  Weights this weekend, I think. 

Marination Time: 23 weeks

Maternity Clothes:  You know when you feel like you look good and then one comment throws you off?  Apparently I look like a tellatubby in my new maxi-dress.  So the shopping continues.  

Weight Gain: 14 lbs total at 23 weeks. I'm hoping Thumper had a BIG growth spurt this week.  3.5lbs in one week!   Running is starting to get a bit difficult, but hopefully I can keep up the amount of exercise in different ways, like a nice arm workout.  It's almost pool time in AZ!!

Fruit of the week/Size: The Bump says Pomegranate, The Babycenter says Mango. Nevermind that The Bump said Mango 4 weeks ago.    

Movement:  Thumper loved the Indian buffet this week.  Every time I went back for more tikka masala I received some encouraging jabs!  

Cravings/Aversions: PF Chang's new Thai noodle salad.  I may or may not have had it a 3 times this week.  The pink slime news has turned me off of ground beef pretty severely.  I question if I'll ever be able to eat a hamburger out again.  Thank goodness we only use grass-fed beef at home.  

Annoyances: Commentary about my agility from others.  I am not waddling when I walk or when I run, thankyouverymuch.  I can get up from off the ground all on my own, maybe with a few grunts, but thanks to prenatal yoga and my Bradley exercises (and of course healthy doses of relaxin), I may be more flexible than before.  (which isn't saying much since it was widely known that I am the most inflexible person in the world)  

Sleep:  Practicing our Bradley relaxation techniques every night really makes all the difference.  Some nights I get up 3-4 times to pee, other nights just once. I am noticing that I am running hotter than usual, so some new jammies may be in order.

Highlights: 1.Just one month til my folks are here for a quick visit!  2.  I ran a race on Saturday with D$.  We had a lot of fun running together, I called it our first family race, even though we ran as a family in the Thanksgiving race, but this time Thumper was much more of a participant. 3.  I went to our Mexican grocery on Monday and received all sorts of love, belly rubs and blessings from the old, Mexican nanas.  Something about them exclaiming "embrazada" and muttering "te amos" to my belly as the groped me made it all better and not weird. They even let me go first in the check out line.  4.  Last night at dinner, near the UA, I over heard some co-eds (ie skinny bitches) talking about my belly.  One called it beautiful.  Damn straight it is!

thankful thursday

I am not too terribly superstitious- but the Ides of March is one day I do get freaked out about.  I had a run of a few bad years, but I try to remember that my parents got engaged on the Ides of March, so good things do happen on this day!  What a better day to find things to be thankful for than a day you don't like?

1.  Basketball.  I LOVE March Madness.  Love it.  D$ and I got engaged on the eve of March Madness five years ago, since it is like a holiday in our house!   I love all the games, all the drama, all the Madness.   It helps that my alma mater is playing again this year!

2.  Options.  After a not so great appointment last week, I've done plenty of research and have started acupuncture.  I found a great acupuncturist who is helping me not only with some issues we are dealing with, but also with visualization and relaxation.  I am optimistic with these treatments.

3.  Good neighbors.  One of our neighbors fell ill and looks like he won't be returning to the neighborhood (he's the original owner of his home, built in 1955).  Our block got together to help his son watch over the house until it goes on the market.  It's nice to know that we live on such a caring and kind block.  Even the house of college kids took on some responsibility!

22 weeks

I need to clean the mirror!  I can see the smudges on it!

Marination Time: 22 weeks

Maternity Clothes:  Made a few purchases this week: yoga pants and undies from Motherhood Maternity and bermuda shorts, maxi dress and a few tops from Old Navy.  

Weight Gain: 10.5 lbs total at 22 weeks.  I think some added stress this week slowed down my weight gain even after an epic meal on Sunday.  

Fruit of the week/Size: The Bump says Papaya, The Babycenter says Spaghetti Squash. My doctor say 14 ounces.  

Movement: Thumps, kicks and I *think* hiccups.  I'm ready for D$ to start feeling what this kid is putting out. 

Cravings/Aversions: craving what ever food is in front of me.  Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs.

Annoyances: The unknown.  A not so perfect appointment can shock your system.  Shaving my legs has become a chore. I haven't nicked myself so much since I was 13!  Also, I've started fibbing about our due date to strangers who ask.  I get tired of hearing "July- gawd, it'll be SO awful" and "you are so big already".  Nice.  

Sleep: No complaints this week!  After one night of bad sleep on Sunday, D$ helped me adjust my pillow/sleeping/cocoon positions and it made a world of difference.    Practicing our Bradly relaxation techniques every night surely helps as well.

Highlights: 1. On Sunday we went to a dinner party and enjoyed good company and good friends.  2.  Saturday I had some serious energy and spent a few hours gardening and doing some painting.  3.  Seeing a few people I haven't seen in a while and getting great "look at you" reactions!  4.  We've narrowed down names!  We are set on one name if baby is a boy and we are down to two names if we have a girl. We just have some negotiating to do for a middle name if we have a boy.  

Thankful Thursday

After a rough week, a reminder of thankful things makes a world of difference.

1.  A thoughtful husband.  I woke up this morning, checked my email and found a confirmation email from Apple telling me my new iPad 3 will be here next Friday! D$ hadn't even let on that he was looking at it, let alone considering it, so it was a great surprise. I've never had my own computer, so I'm really excited to have this new toy.

2.  Crafting time.  Due to some security issues at work, we all have to wear name and photo badges.  I spent some time this week making lanyards for some of my co-workers and myself.  It's nice to tap in to my (very shallow) creative side and produce usable gifts for my friends.

3.  Lunch with a friend.  I met a friend yesterday for lunch, both taking extra time out of our work days to sit and talk and enjoy each other's company.  I am pretty introverted, so it is rare that I crave companionship, but yesterday showed me how much I had missed time with friends.  It was nice to have the time to enjoy and bask in a female friendship.

Happy Thursday!

true fear

How silly yesterdays's post seems now after a not so hot doctor's appointment.  My silly fears about not losing weight are now replaced by fear about the health of my child.   My fear of confidence in my parenting style has now been pushed aside to be filled with fear of confidence in my body to do what it is supposed to do.

In what so far had been a breeze of a pregnancy, I now feel stopped short and filled with anxiety.  I'm attempting to take a cue from my doctor and just relax until our follow up appointment, but in the 2 hours since I've left her office I find myself second guessing everything.

I just finished reading Waiting for Birdie this weekend.  The author writes of the construction of The Duomo.  When the plans were drawn for the Duomo, never had a dome that large ever been built.  The architects didn't know how it would come together, how it would hold up, how to stabilize it.   Yet they had faith that by the time the construction got around to actually building the dome- some 100 years after construction had started-someone would have solved the problem and the dome would be built.  The author so wisely compares the building of The Duomo to becoming parents.

I don't know how this baby is going to be born and it what health it'll enter the world.  I don't know how I will parent or frankly even sleep tonight, but I have (or perhaps rather, have to have) faith that when the time comes the dome will be built.

Baby hopes and fears

This is the way I hope my life looks after the baby arrives:

Organized: I'll be the mom who has the feeding, nap, tummy time, walking, sleep schedule down and in order. When the baby cries, I'll be able to tell based on not only the sound of the cry, but the time of day that the baby is ready for x.

Fit: I'll get right back out the door with running shoes on.  It should be easy since I'm still running now, right? I'll have the time and energy.

Confident: D$ and I will be natural parents.  Parenting will be an extension, not a sacrifice, of who we are.  We will discuss and then make a sensible decision together.

Rested: Yes, we'll be up to nurse and change the baby throughout the night (see schedule), but it'll be easy and we'll go right back to sleep.

This is what I fear my life will really be like:

Disorganized: I won't know what time of day it is or even what day it is and when my baby cries I'll be clueless and helpless.

Fat: I will retain baby weight forever.  I will never run again. I will become one of those home bound people who weigh 600lbs.

Insecure: I will be plugged in online 100% of the time second guessing every decision and move I make.  And every move D$ makes.  Our marriage will crumble and then dissolve to the point where I become an insecure single parent.

Exhausted: We will be so sleep deprived that D$ and I implode and basic functioning is a stretch.